Resolution: Drugs and Pancakes

Pulling a Marlboro out of his pack with his teeth, he reached into his pocket to pull out his Zippo. The silver casing shimmered around the engraving BOB, reminding Durwin of his Christian middle-school education with its notions of places where everything was white glowing, gleaming, and bright.

Romantic notions of creatures that know that they’ll be dead soon.

Durwin thought of a joke that one of his fellow students told him once: Santa Clause, God, and The Easter Bunny walk into a bar. Santa and the Easter Bunny both complain that, once children grow up, they stop believing in them. The Easter Bunny looks to God and asks him why human beings continue to believe in him when they become adults, but God doesn’t say anything. The Easter Bunny turns back to Santa and asks, “Why isn’t he answering me?” Santa throws back his drink, and with a voice tightened by a shot of whiskey replies, “Because he’s a figment of your fucking imagination.”

Durwin considered that he didn’t want a place where he could meet up with everyone else after he was dead. Dead is a place for quiet, not conversation or hymns. Leave him to the quiet songs of feasting worms and settling dirt.

Still Drunk But Still Working

Suggested Audio Accompaniment: Dr. Worm by They Might Be Giants

Good evening all. I’m at home writing on a Friday night not because I am a lonely sad individual, but because I am a lonely sad individual who will be balls-to-the-walls busy for the next five days. Hopefully, in-between the clusterfux of things that I has gots myself into, I will be able to meet with my editor who will, heretofore, be known as, “He who’s beverage must be beer.” Although I have sent my newest brilliant manuscript, Drugs and Pancakes, he holds true to the adage “One must be sufficiently intoxicated and with sufficiently intoxicated company in order for progress to be achieved sufficiently.” I’m pretty sure that was Jesus.

So, on the agenda.

New Vids:

The recent episode of On the Mark was put on hold because of another video that needed to be completed for the safety of mankind. But, fear not, both will make their debuts in November. And I promise, they will be tasty.
New Songs:

You may have already noticed that I posted the new epic masterpiece, Dark Creation. There are others on the way that will rival Dark in its epicness as well as its masterpieceness.

New Writs:

More excerpts from Drugs and Pancakes are coming. Try not to wet yourself.

New Audiobookstuff:

More excerpts of the Becoming audiobook will be posted next week. That way, you can fall asleep listening to my  melodious voice.

 

Much love to all of yous.

 

M

 

More Drugs and More Pancakes (NSFW)

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“Hello?” It was a deep gravely voice. “Dad?” David recognized the voice. “Hey boy. How are you doing?” It was his father. David was accustomed to talking to his parents when he was high, but, at the moment, he was … Continue reading

More Drugs and More Pancakes

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It didn’t take long for James to come along and nudge him with his fat stump of an arm. As large as a mountain and twice as silent, James didn’t say anything when David staggered up and glared at him … Continue reading

Drugs and Pancakes II

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Vasovaga Syncope is a fainting episode mediated by the Vagus Nerve. Tabor’s Medical Dictionary describes this as a “feeling of impending death.” David compared it to already being dead. No dreams, no ability to tell if any time has passed, … Continue reading

Drugs And Pancakes II

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This gallery contains 1 photo.

Vasovaga Syncope is a fainting episode mediated by the Vagus Nerve. Tabor’s Medical Dictionary describes this as a “feeling of impending death.” David compared it to already being dead. No dreams, no ability to tell if any time has passed, … Continue reading

Calvin and Hobbes: An ode to hillrods

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I know it’s hard to believe, but sometimes my sunny demeanour slips into a dark arid wasteland where my usually vibrant enthusiastic self settles into a depression from which very few dare to venture. Then I smile as I recall … Continue reading

Oh Good Cheeseburger (Tranlated from Urdu to English)

Oh good cheeseburger crumbly meatiness you you what kind of expectations of cheesiness misbegot political compulsions conduct! I sink my tooth buns to you savor tangy condiments fragrant savor that I only you are in the service of further said. You Mayo agrarian! Oh juiciness to bring it to you I my chin eaves and soak my shirt God if you onion! I said to you but I really like me you with my bias.

Genesis 1,2,3…Go!

In the beginning…well, not really the beginning. Who knows when that was. All I know is that I’m here now.

But it’s too dark here, and I really need someone to talk to. First, I’ll need to see where I’m going, best to turn on the lights. That’s better. Well, what do you know? There’s really nothing here, is there. Well, I guess there’s light, but that’s not really much of anything is it. I guess it could be. I’ll try to keep that in mind. Who am I talking to anyway? Man, I’d really better get going on this.

I guess I’d better give them something to stand on, don’t want them just floating around in aimless space or anything. Although, I really don’t think it’s that bad. Some gravity might be nice, but I can’t say that I would die without it or anything. All the same, better give them something to stand on. Them, huh? I guess I should make more than one. One would be nice, but the conversation would get stale I’d imagine.

Anyway, back to what they can stand on, their ground, I guess. Whatever it is, it better be pretty big if I’m going to have a bunch of them to talk to. There. There it is, not so bad, kind of formless. Well, these things sometimes take a while to take shape. Whoa, the light’s going away. I have been working a while. I could finish up tomorrow.

There’s the light again. These nights would be easier to get through if I had something to keep myself occupied. Either that, or I should just consider closing my eyes. There’s nothing to see at night anyway. I’d better get back to work on that thing that I started yesterday. Yesterday? What’s a yesterday? Well, it would have to be the light that was there before last night. I guess that makes sense. Funny how these things just keep popping up.

The thing is still formless, and there’s all this wet stuff all over the place. That’s ok. I can fix it. I’m good at fixing things. At least I think I am. Don’t have much experience with it, but I’m sure I’ll do alright. Wait! I totally forgot something. I need a firmament. Don’t I? Not quite sure what that is, but it sounds awfully important. I’m sure I’ll know what it is after I’ve created it. There! Now I have a firmament. It’s not as impressive as I thought, but at least it’s separating some of the wet stuff. Well, that’s enough for today. There’s another weird word: today. If I keep this up, I’ll have a whole new language to teach to my new friends.

Finally the light’s back. I couldn’t keep my eyes closed the whole time, I was too anxious. I’m going to do tons of stuff today. First, I need to get rid of some of this wet stuff. I think I’ll call it water. It’s got a wet sound. Besides, it’s going to be too difficult for my friends to stand on that wet stuff. I mean, whoever heard of anyone walking on water?

Dry land, that looks like a good place to put your feet, especially on the beaches. Who wouldn’t love to walk on the beach? I know I love putting my feet in the sand. Not everything can be a sandy beach though, although it would be nice. I think I’ll make some green things. What’s green? I’m working on it. There. That looks green. I’ll make some other colored things too. How about red things? Ooooo, that looks cool. I bet the girls will really dig those. I’ll give them thorns though, just to make sure that they don’t take more than one at a time. How about some other colors too? Heck, who am I asking? It’s my earth. Earth’s a good name, and I can add whatever colors to it I want.

Man, that was a lot of work. Hmm, I’m not sure what ‘man’ means yet. I’ll save it for later. Maybe I’ll use it to name something silly. Oh well, guess I’ll do more tomorrow. Tomorrow, today, yesterday, did I even create time yet? I guess I did, otherwise I wouldn’t know what it was. Well good thing I did because I’m not sure I could get everything done in one day.

Well, now that the light’s back, I guess I had better create the sun. I mean the light’s got to come from somewhere right? There there’s the sun. It’s awfully hot. I had better move it farther away from my earth. Otherwise I’ll have to make another one. You know what too, I’m getting really tired of sitting in complete blackness waiting for the light to show up again. Somebody might step on something because it’s so dark. I’d better give them a nightlight or two. Bam! There it is! Wow, I may have over did it a little, huh. There’s that big white thing over there and a bunch of tiny little lights all over the place. Oh well, at least everyone will have something to look at when they go out on a date. Well, I think I’d better call it a night.

Here comes the sun, la da de la da. I knew I should’ve been a musician. Still haven’t created that yet either. Well, what’s next? Guess I’ll start making my friends. I’ll let some fly above the earth. Yeah, that looks like fun. And I’ll put a few in the water. Let them swim around a bit. Ok, now let’s try talking to them. Hello there!

Um hello?

Chirp.

Chirp? What the heck’s a chirp?

Chirp.

I guess that when I made you, I should’ve put in some manners. The least you can say is hello.

Chirp.

Well, I can see this is going nowhere. What about you guys under the water.

Hey!

Blurp.

I don’t even think that’s a word.

You guys are just as worthless as the ones in the air. Aw jeez. Fine, I’ll make something else. Then, when I’m having these great conversations with them, you can sit there and chirp and blurp all you want and miss out on everything. Goodnight!

Man, that sun seems to be getting brighter and brighter. Should have that looked at. By the way, birds and fish, that’s what I decided to name you because it sounds like a good name for lazy creatures that don’t even have enough courtesy to say ‘hi’ to their creator, I have decided to forgive you for not talking to me, and will let you go about your merry little ways instead of smiting you out of existence. You can thank me later, but now onto more important things. I am not going to bed tonight until I make something that can carry on a decent conversation with me.

Ok here we go. Come on down lions! Wow, you’re a group of ferocious ones aren’t you? Well, what do you think of this weather we’re having. Hey! Don’t snap at me. I’ll put you on the lower end of the food chain if you’re not careful.

Fine! Bears then. Hey bears…uh… Where you going? What’s in that cave? Are you snoring? Are you sleeping? I just created you! You can’t be sleepy yet! Aw man. Hey, there’s that man word again.

Ok, Bears are out. Chickens? They don’t even look like they have anything interesting to say.

Chameleons? Wow, those are pretty cool. I don’t know if I can talk to it, but I sure want one.

Koala Bears? Probably just as lazy as the other bears.

Giraffes? How’s the weather up there? Sorry, couldn’t resist the temptation.

Dinosaurs? I think creating those may have been a mistake. I’ll take care of that later.

Spiders? Ew, I hate spiders.

Ok I got to make something to talk to.

I got it!

For this one, I’m going to use some of the dust down there. These things always seem like a good idea at the time. Then I’ll breath into him and voila.

Hey. How you doing?

Uh, a little woozy.

You’ll be fine. What do you think about the weather we’re having?

Um it’s great, I guess. Hey, ah, I hate to ask this, but I was wondering if you could maybe make me a woman or something.

Uh, you want to be a woman?

No! I mean could you make a woman for me?

Oh. Wow. I was feeling kind of uncomfortable there for a minute. Sure, I could make you a woman. Um, let me see. Could you look over there for a minute?

Huh. Why? What’s over… Hey!

Sorry, did that sting?

A bit, yeah! Did you just take one of my ribs?

Don’t worry about it. I’m gonna make you a woman.

Why did you have to take one of my ribs?

Hey, when you create your own life, the universe, and everything, then you can offer up suggestions on how I should do my job.

Could you at least make her a redhead? I have a thing for redheads.

Uh, ok. Your being kind of creepy but ok. There you go.

Well, I would say she’s more brunette than redhead.

Oh well, excuse me. If you would rather I could just make her disappear and you can tear out one of your ribs and try and make your own girlfriend.

Um, I can hear you two talking. I’m right here you know.

Hey baby.

Baby? Is this the type of guy that you expect me to hang out with?

Uh, well, I wasn’t really… I’m not sure… What was the question again?

Listen honey, I’m gonna treat you right.

You’d better, because I’m not going to be mated with any deadbeat. Do you even have a job?

Uh… Help me out big guy.

Tell her you have dominion over all of the living creatures.

Baby, I rule.

First off, you’d better not keep calling me baby. Otherwise, I wont be giving you any.

Whoa, whoa, sweets, who said anything about kids…

I left the conversation after that, realizing that no matter how hard I tried, it was always going to be a one-way conversation with these people. I can’t think of anything sillier than someone who just kept talking and talking and never listens, and I decided to call them man.

Oh well, at least I can sleep in tomorrow.