Last week I was too busy lambasting myself for being so lousy at things. So, my counselor (me) has instructed me to write ten positive things about myself. Here it goes.
1- I will never read a Twilight novel. Now some fans of Twilight might say. “That was a cheap shot!” To which I will say, “Well, yes. Yes it was.” Then go on my merry little way whistling or humming an obscure little tune. To say that there’s nothing wrong with Twilight would be a lie that would get me at least 7 years in hell. And, considering I am still collecting souls in an attempt to barter my way out when I am cast into the firy pits, I am not willing to add any time to that. After paroosing the first two pages of the first book in the series I was satisfied in the assessment that I knew everything that was going to happen in this Novel, and that none of it had any consequence on my life at all. It was better that I put the book down and spend my time more constructively, like punching a baby or something.
2 – I have written a novel. It might not be a particularly good novel, but it’s a novel none the less. Besides if the aforementioned title is any indication, novels don’t have to be good at all in order to make someone a lot of money. (Sorry. Couldn’t be helped. I’ll try to stop. But no promises.) After wrenching with my being for nearly a decade working on this book and putting every part of my self into it, I can safely say that there will only be a small section of the population that will read it (last stats I read said that 80% of Americans DIDN’T even pick up a book in 2009) and certainly less people will be able to understand it. So, I think my being is safe for now. Good thing too. Because they’ve burned people at the stake for less.
3 – I am a liberal. (This was intended as a jab to all my conservative friends out there)
4 – I am NOT a Christian (This was intended as a jab to all my former Christian friends out there) In fact, I don’t believe in any god in particular. And yes, I do think that this is a good thing. A really good thing as a matter of fact.
5 – I am a damn good cook. I mean, I’ve made enchiladas from scratch that will make you change religions (see #4)
6 – I have been dealing with 50 kids a week for nearly ten years, and I have yet to punch one of them in a face. Considering I really don’t like kids, this is an accomplishment that should consider me for sainthood.
7 – I love animals. (More than people)
8 – I take care of my body (when I’m not trying to drink myself into a coma)
9 – I never return phone calls. You may say that this is bad, but I am consistent in not returning phone calls. So, you are never concerned that I don’t like you or that I’m mad at you. You just realize, “he never calls anyone back”
10 – I can kill you with my brain.