More Drugs and More Pancakes

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It didn’t take long for James to come along and nudge him with his fat stump of an arm. As large as a mountain and twice as silent, James didn’t say anything when David staggered up and glared at him … Continue reading

Digi-friends, Coded Companions, and Internet Intimates

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I miss having real friends. Well, not really. I never had any friends. But these Internet Intimates, Coded Companions, or Digi-Friends seem strange and unfamiliar by comparison even though I don’t have anything to compare them to. Sometimes I wonder … Continue reading

Calvin and Hobbes: An ode to hillrods

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I know it’s hard to believe, but sometimes my sunny demeanour slips into a dark arid wasteland where my usually vibrant enthusiastic self settles into a depression from which very few dare to venture. Then I smile as I recall … Continue reading

Oh Good Cheeseburger (Tranlated from Urdu to English)

Oh good cheeseburger crumbly meatiness you you what kind of expectations of cheesiness misbegot political compulsions conduct! I sink my tooth buns to you savor tangy condiments fragrant savor that I only you are in the service of further said. You Mayo agrarian! Oh juiciness to bring it to you I my chin eaves and soak my shirt God if you onion! I said to you but I really like me you with my bias.

4 Movies You Must See If You Wish To Be As Cool As Me!

Taking a break from posting chapters of my book, as well as something to keep me busy while the din of the Super Bowl blares annoyingly in the back round, I have seen things (so many things) that you should check out.

4 Movies:

I was dying of the plague last week and didn’t get a lot of writing done. So instead of doing anything constructive, I wrapped myself in a blanket, got blind drunk, and watched about twenty hours of various movies.

1- Let the right one in - This movie shows what being in love with a vampire would really be like. Nobody shimmers or glistens or whatever, but a little girl does rip the arms off of a boy and drag his friend kicking and screaming to his ultimate demise. And that is why this is DEFINITELY the most amazing vampire love/friendship movie I have ever seen. Oscar, a young boy, becomes friends and falls in love with a vampire girl by the name of Eli. The young actress who plays Eli is frightening and captivating, making you feel sympathetic to her even as she kills mercilessly.

2 – Moon – Sam Rockwell rocks your mother’s house, if you know what I mean. He is so awesome, that they didn’t even bother putting any other actors in the same room as him, except another Sam Rockwell. Kevin Spacey’s voice is included in the cast, presumably because the sheer awesomeness of having the two in the same room would create a black hole that would destroy the entire planet.

3 – The Proposition - Although I’ve seen this movie about a million times, it just gets better every time I watch it. The only thing I’m going to provide to prove my point is the Monologue from John Hurt…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUVsDy0sc3k]

4 – The Prestige – Some know Christopher Nolan from The Dark Knight or Inception, which were both movies so good that I would have sex with them. But I would have sex with almost every  Christopher Nolan movie. Probably at the top of that list was The Prestige. It’s about magicians, which in itself is awesome. But the twists in this movie are both plenty and necessary. The later of which I have only seen in Christopher Nolan’s work.

I also saw Edge of Darkness, which wasn’t really worth it. The Town, which was good, but I suspect many people already know that. The Other Guys, which made me laugh my ass off, but again, I’m guessing that plenty of people have seen it.

I am such a great guy!

Last week I was too busy lambasting myself for being so lousy at things. So, my counselor (me) has instructed me to write ten positive things about myself. Here it goes.

1- I will never read a Twilight novel. Now some fans of Twilight might say. “That was a cheap shot!” To which I will say, “Well, yes. Yes it was.” Then go on my merry little way whistling or humming an obscure little tune. To say that there’s nothing wrong with Twilight would be a lie that would get me at least 7 years in hell. And, considering I am still collecting souls in an attempt to barter my way out when I am cast into the firy pits, I am not willing to add any time to that. After paroosing the first two pages of the first book in the series I was satisfied in the assessment that I knew everything that was going to happen in this Novel, and that none of it had any consequence on my life at all. It was better that I put the book down and spend my time more constructively, like punching a baby or something.

2 – I have written a novel. It might not be a particularly good novel, but it’s a novel none the less. Besides if the aforementioned title is any indication, novels don’t have to be good at all in order to make someone a lot of money. (Sorry. Couldn’t be helped. I’ll try to stop. But no promises.) After wrenching with my being for nearly a decade working on this book and putting every part of my self into it, I can safely say that there will only be a small section of the population that will read it (last stats I read said that 80% of Americans DIDN’T even pick up a book in 2009) and certainly less people will be able to understand it. So, I think my being is safe for now. Good thing too. Because they’ve burned people at the stake for less.

3 – I am a liberal. (This was intended as a jab to all my conservative friends out there)

4 – I am NOT a Christian (This was intended as a jab to all my former Christian friends out there) In fact, I don’t believe in any god in particular. And yes, I do think that this is a good thing. A really good thing as a matter of fact.

5 – I am a damn good cook. I mean, I’ve made enchiladas from scratch that will make you change religions (see #4)

6 – I have been dealing with 50 kids a week for nearly ten years, and I have yet to punch one of them in a face. Considering I really don’t like kids, this is an accomplishment that should consider me for sainthood.

7 – I love animals. (More than people)

8 – I take care of my body (when I’m not trying to drink myself into a coma)

9 – I never return phone calls. You may say that this is bad, but I am consistent in not returning phone calls. So, you are never concerned that I don’t like you or that I’m mad at you. You just realize, “he never calls anyone back”

10 – I can kill you with my brain.

This is me trying to be… (rants and ravings of a future lunatic)

For those of you in the know, I am generally regarded as a happy-go-lucky cynic with a dash of misanthropy. They used to consider me as Bi-Polar, but I think I have safely moved on to Tri-Polar or even possibly Quad-Polar. But enough about me, let’s move on to something even more important. Just kidding, we’re going to keep talking about me because I have the pen, or typewriter, or laptop, or whatever.

I have been hard at work on an Audio book for those of you who don’t usually take to well to words on a page. I guess you might not be reading this if you are one of these individuals. Therefore, I am really explaining this to nobody. Oh well. Hello Nobody! How is nothingness.

Back to the Audio Book. In order to ensure the best reading of the book (i.e. because I’m broke) I have opted to read the book myself, a decision which has led me to learning some things about myself.

1 – I HATE the sound of my own voice. I have asthma, and, although I don’t notice it that often in normal life, in my readings every gasp and wheeze pierce my skull like a railroad spike. Not only that, but I have no idea how any of you understand me when I’m talking to you. I mumble way too much.

2 – I really shouldn’t be allowed to write any more books. This shit is seriously disturbing. My primary female character finger bangs herself in the first 3 pages. Hows that for getting right to it! Not only that, she masturbates to remember her own brother! More than hinting at Incest. I also have a pedophile who gets eviscerated, which is probably the most redeeming quality of my work. apparently, I have some serious issues to work out.

I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Anyway, my violently erotic existential meditation on incestuous and neglectful characters who eviscerate pedophiles while wandering around aimlessly pining about how shitty their lives have become is available at Amazon in Hardcover, Paperback, and Kindle Formats.